Finding Out Your Partner is Gay: Surviving the Deception of a Closet Homosexual

There should be a test for determining if your partner is gay, but I have yet to find one. I had no idea I was married to a closet homosexual. For a long time, I thought our marriage issues had to do with me. I couldn't figure out why my husband wouldn't pay attention to me. When I went out to dinner, he would be extra friendly with the males around our table and the male bar patrons. The male friends he had were effeminate and it often seemed like he was flirting back with them. You would think that when he began wearing make-up, I would have noticed. Or, when he chose a skin-tight bathing suit. How about a Key West vacation? Nope - I still didn't notice. Our last year together, he began to tell me the current list of who was gay in Hollywood, how wonderful his new gay best friend was, and how Jim McGreevey's book was a great read. Did I pick up on it then? No way! It could be innocent, right?

Approximately four years ago, right before Christmas, I found out that my husband of 15+ years was gay. Imagine if you will, finding emails with "I love you" and "I miss you" to his "best friend" with pictures of our children attached to them. I wasn't looking for signs of an affair, it came about innocently enough. I knew something wasn't right, but I thought he was in the midst of a full-blown midlife crisis. I did not see the writing on the wall. I still thought it was me who was causing his inner anguish. I dismissed my family and friend's concerns of an extramarital affair stating that he would never do that. A Notre Dame grad, religiously Catholic, working long hours at his practice...He would come around, wouldn't he? There was no way he was having an affair. Imagine my surprise when it was not only an affair, and not his first, but it was with a man!

People have asked me, how did I not know my husband was gay? Deception of this sort runs deep, but there were clues around me if I had chosen to look. I have heard the same question asked of Dina McGreevey, the wife of the ex-governor Jim McGreevey, who publicly came out of the closet because he was caught. I choose to believe her, that she had no idea, because I didn't see the clues either. I am someone who chooses to believe the best in people; I think people are inherently good. It's unfortunate, but denial serves to put off the inevitable. Three children later, when he was caught, it meant the end to our 15+ years of marriage.

Some couples mutually decide not to split up, mainly for the children's sake. This is also true for straight couples. When I first found out, I wanted us to stay together for the children. It is when you are in the midst of shock, that you should never make major life decisions. I am glad my ex talked me out of it. He wanted to get on with his life and move in with his lover. Those first few weeks are a blur of mind-numbing pain. Imagine if someone told you that the trees outside had green leaves and all of this time, you had thought they were red! It was disorienting, agonizing, and completely devastating. My whole world had collapsed; everything about my marriage and my future that I knew to be true was obliterated in a second.

When you find out a partner is gay, you have to process the fact that there was deception involved. If there was an affair (or affairs), then there is also betrayal. This kind of deception and betrayal is different than an affair between those of the opposite sex. You don't have to deal with feelings of "what's she/he got over me?" It isn't about you, but even if your partner was straight and was having an affair - it isn't about you! It's the deception, if you find out inadvertently like I did, that does the most harm. Over 15 years with a man who used me as a cover. Over 15 years with a coward, who in the end blurted out at one point that I made him gay. Later, he would admit that he had known since 12 years old.

People who hide their sexuality from their spouses or partners are not only doing a disservice to their loved ones, but to themselves as well. The longer the deception runs, the deeper it becomes a part of their overall psychology. My ex is pathological. Lying is second-nature because he has had to practice it for almost his entire life. It seeps into other areas of his life like a fog on the horizon.

If you are experiencing this kind of trauma or suspect your partner is gay, I suggest communicating your concerns first, whether in a therapist's office or at home. This does not have to be confrontational. Don't be surprised if they deny it. Those who have been deceptive their entire lives are not ready to drop the cloak of deception that easily. However, some have been waiting for an opportunity to be found out, and it may come as a relief to them to let their secrets spill out.

Some people are genuinely confused about their sexuality. This is still not an excuse not to talk about it or hide it from a partner. True intimacy comes when partners can share themselves truthfully and respectfully in a safe and authentic manner.

There is no right answer to whether you should stay together in your marriage if you find out your partner is gay. The answer is whatever works for you. Think of the repercussions long-term and determine what will be the best for you and your family. Don't make any decisions until you feel you are in a good place. A good therapist can help you assess this. I am divorced from my ex and I couldn't be happier, but if you would have asked me 4 years ago, I would have said I was miserable. In hindsight, it was truly the best thing that ever happened to me. Separated from the dysfunction of a secretive spouse, I am thriving now because I am living an authentic life with a partner who truly loves me. I have also had the opportunity to work on myself and to reflect on why I was attracted to someone who was a closet homosexual.

Finding out a spouse is gay is devastating, but not the end of the world (although at the time, it sure feels like it!). Like life, there are no easy answers. There are no shortcuts, either. In order to get through this painful time, you must take the time to process everything that this experience is bringing up for you. As uncomfortable as it seems, feel your anger, feel the sadness, feel the bitterness. Feeling your feelings (I know, sounds like Mr. Rogers or a therapist!) without doing harm to yourself or others is a healthy way of processing unhealthy emotions. Find a friend or family member to help support you. If you short-circuit the process of grief, you short-circuit life. Inevitably, you recreate your issues over and over again until you decide to resolve them.