Parental Alienation

For all my education, friends, close colleagues and personal therapy, I can't seem to find solace for the deep state of mourning I'm in. I'm grief-stricken, heartbroken at the loss of my daughter. My tears are too close to the surface and I've said for some time that for me it is worse than death. It is an unresolved, needless loss but the worst part isn't even about me. I mourn for my daughter who will never again have her sense of delight in the world. (Warshak, 2010, para. 25).

This comment was made by a distraught mother, a mother who was trained as a child psychologist and who also suffered the loss of her daughter due to parental alienation.

The concept of parental alienation originated from Wallerstein & Kelly’s work with divorcing families in the 1970’s. It was then that they identified a phenomenon known as “pathological alignment.” The term “parental alienation” was later coined by Richard Gardner in the mid-80’s to describe the act of one parent consciously or unconsciously turning a child against the other parent (Bow, Gould, & Flens, 2009).

Since the onset of parental alienation, it has been hard to discern for laypeople and professionals alike whether it is used as an excuse to gain custody, whether the child is undergoing genuine abuse at the hands of the targeted parent, or if it is psychological sabotage on the part of the alienating parent. One thing is clear: The relationship toward the targeted parent is severely damaged. This is what is meant by parental alienation. The alienated child has aligned themselves with the alienating parent, with the targeted parent suffering from the loss, both physical and psychological, of their child.

Gardner’s criteria of parental alienation. Gardner has done extensive work involving parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome (PAS). Parental alienation, according to Gardner (1998), can be diagnosed using eight different criteria:

• · A campaign of denigration
• · Weak, frivolous, or absurd rationalizations for the deprecation
• · Lack of ambivalence
• · The “independent thinker” phenomenon
• · Reflexive support of the loved parent in the parental conflict
• · Absence of guilt over the denigration and/or exploitation of the “hated” parent
• · The presence of borrowed scenarios
• · Spread of the animosity to the friends and/or extended family of the hated parent. (p. 3)

These criteria may vary in intensity according to each particular case, and all eight criteria need not be met in order for a child to be considered alienated by a parent (Baker & Darnall, 2007).

Other distinctions of parental alienation. Baker (2006) noticed five important distinctions co-existing within the parameters of the eight criteria in her work with alienated families. The first was the co-existence of the maltreatment of a child, alcoholism, and/or personality disorders. The second is that parental alienation did sometimes occur in intact families as well as in divorcing and divorced families. Both Baker (2006) and Mone & Biringen (2006) found this to be true in their research on parental alienation.

The third finding Baker (2006) found was that some parental alienation did not occur within families embroiled in post-divorce litigation. Fourth, the target parent also may play a role in becoming the alienated parent. The final finding was that no matter how vilified a parent was, the alienated child still retained some good feelings about the target parent.

Baker & Darnall (2006) also found that there were many subtle and not-so-subtle behaviors undertaken by the alienating parent which served to alienate the child. These actions include badmouthing the other parent, limiting time spent with them, interfering with the child’s counseling, having a child keep secrets, forcing a child to express their loyalty, changing a child’s name, using the child as a messenger, rewarding the child for rejecting the parent, and letting the child choose whether they want to visit.

Whether an alienating parent contributes to the child's behavior consciously or unconsciously, it is up to both parents to address the issue. However, because of the nature of the relationship, the child will naturally listen to the preferred parent. In my opinion, as it is with other experts in the field, it is emotional abuse to have a child align with another parent (assuming there is no domestic violence, abuse, or neglect). Children need both parents whether they admit it or not. (DISCLAIMER - This is my PA rant as someone who has experienced this firsthand) As angry and frustrated as I am at my ex for allowing my child to have so much power, and for denigrating me to her, I recognize that she needs a father in her life. When my teen started having conflicts with me, it should have been recognized as a natural process of adolescence. Instead, it was exploited. Now she misses out on a normal developmental process, a healthy way of resolving conflicts (dare I say she called it child abuse because she had to rake the leaves in our yard!), and a healthy way of relating in a family, not to mention the love and nurturing care that a mother brings to her children. I am angry, but I realize she is only 16. She doesn't have the context, wisdom, or experience (or psychology background) that I have. I do not expect an apology or explanation from her, nor do I want one. i want our relationship back - a relationship I consider stolen by my ex (who met me in a diner to spring it on me that she was never coming back because she had anorexia - a claim he later took back).

In my opinion, I am convinced that alienators have personality disorders (through my vast amount of literature research, I have come across some researchers who have found that alienators are narcissistic, and have primitive defenses such as splitting and trouble negotiating because they cannot see others' perspectives. I don't even need research however to validate these findings). How else can you explain the lack of empathy or the self-centeredness of allowing a child, consciously or unconsciously, to align with a parent? Whose needs does that really serve? In my case, are you rescuing a child from uncomfortable situations like chores or rules or are you uncomfortable with her process? Does the alienator have guilt or an overwhelming feeling of revenge? How does it benefit a child by allowing them to choose between mom and dad? Why put a child in the middle like that? If you are reading this article, I am probably "preaching to the choir." However, it is my hope that by becoming better educated, myself included, that we can stop the insidiousness of parental alienation. It is not a scam, it is not to be pushed under the rug. These are our children, children who have a right to have a relationship with both parents.

Note: This article (not the rant) was part of an extensive research project I undertook on the subject of parental alienation.

Baker, A. J. L. (2006). Patterns of parental alienation syndrome: A qualitative study of adults who were alienated from a parent as a child. The American Journal of Family Therapy , 34, 63-78. Doi: 10.1080/01926180500301444

Baker, A. J. L. & Darnall, D. C. (2007). A construct study of the eight symptoms of severe Parental Alienation Syndrome: A survey of parental experiences. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 47(1), p. 55-75. Retrieved December November 29, 2010 fromwww.informaworld.com.

Bow, J. N., Gould, J. W., & Flens, J. R. (2009). Examining parental alienation in child custody cases: A survey of mental health and legal professionals. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 37, 127-145. Doi: 10:1080/01926180801960658.

Gardner, R. A. (1998). Recommendations for dealing with parents who induce a parental alienation syndrome in their children. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 28(3), 1-23. Retrieved November 30, 2010 from www.informaworld.com.

Mone, J. G. & Biringen, Z. (2006). Perceived parent-child alienation. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 45(3), 131-156. Retrieved November 29, 2010 from www.informaworld.com.

Warshak, R. A. (2010).  Family Bridges:  Using insights from social science to reconnect parents and alienated children.  Family Court Review.  Retrieved January 8, 2011 from lexisNexis.